View From a Pew: Hearing What Wasn’t Said

I’ve heard it said before — “When a man says, ‘Woman, you’re acting stupid,’ that doesn’t mean he believes she is a stupid person. He’s analyzing the moment.”

Now before you throw your shoe at me from the third pew, stay with me.

Because what we call “insult” is often immaturity in communication. And what we call “drama” is often unprocessed emotion looking for understanding.

Here’s the truth: Men and women don’t just talk differently — we listen differently. A man often speaks from logic. A woman often speaks from emotion. And when logic meets emotion without grace, you get arguments instead of understanding.

A woman may not always tell you what she’s thinking — but she will tell you exactly what she’s feeling. A man may not always tell you what he’s feeling — but he will tell you what he thinks makes sense.

So when she says, “Get out! Don’t come back!” She may not be issuing a legal eviction notice. She’s expressing a feeling of hurt. And when he says something sharp, cold, analytical — He may not be attacking her identity. He may be responding to behavior in the moment.

But here’s where the enemy of relationships wins — We respond to tone instead of intent. We defend pride instead of seeking clarity. We react to words instead of listening for pain.

Two people can be in the same room, speaking English, and still be miles apart. Why? Because she wants empathy. He offers solutions. He wants respect. She offers emotion. And both walk away saying, “You’re not listening to me.”

Let me say this plainly: Love is not mind-reading. Love is translation. It’s learning that when she’s loud, she may be hurting. It’s understanding that when he’s quiet, he may be processing. It’s recognizing that different does not mean wrong.

The problem isn’t that men are logical and women are emotional. The problem is when logic has no compassion and emotion has no self-control.

A house divided by misunderstanding doesn’t fall overnight. It erodes word by word, tone by tone, assumption by assumption. So, before you walk out because she said “leave,” ask, “What are you really feeling? “And before you shut down because he sounded cold, ask, “What are you really trying to say?”

Most arguments aren’t about dishes, money, or tone. They’re about feeling unheard. And here’s the mature truth: Real strength isn’t winning the argument. Real strength is understanding the heart behind the words.

Brothers — don’t hide behind logic to avoid vulnerability. Sisters — don’t weaponize emotion when you really want reassurance. The goal isn’t to be right. The goal is to be united. Because when understanding shows up, arguments lose their power.

And maybe — just maybe — if we stopped reacting to how it was said and started listening to why it was said, we’d discover that we were never enemies… Just two different languages trying to say the same thing: “Please love me in a way I can feel it.”